Validation: The Secret to Deep Connection and Healing
Validation is YOUR SECRET SUPER POWER to diffuse ANY relationship-conflict-bomb 💣
Sounds intense? Maybe. But the truth is, validation is one of the most powerful tools in human connection. It has the ability to transform relationships, dissolve tension, and create a deep sense of safety.
At its core, validation is about recognizing and accepting that another person’s internal experience is valid. It’s not about agreeing with their actions or co-signing their behaviors—it’s simply about acknowledging that their emotions make sense.
Why Is Validation So Hard Sometimes?
Let’s be real—validating people is easy when we’re not personally affected by their emotions. But what happens when the situation involves our own pain?
🔥 Why it’s difficult:
We struggle to tolerate their suffering because it makes us uncomfortable.
We feel stuck with them—the stakes are higher.
Their choices or emotions affect us directly.
It’s hard to validate when our own experience is on the line.
💡 The Solution? Self-Validation.
Before we can hold space for others, we need to hold space for ourselves. Self-compassion is the key. The more we validate our own experiences, the easier it becomes to extend that same grace to others.
We Are All Looking for Someone Looking for Us
At the end of the day, we all want the same thing: to be seen, believed, and understood.
I often think of a little kid running up to tell me something that made them feel powerless. The urgency in their voice. The need to be believed.
That’s what we’re all doing—fighting to be understood.
““Validation is the bridge between pain and healing. When we acknowledge our emotions without judgment, our nervous system shifts from survival to safety. Healing begins the moment we feel truly seen.””
Why Is Validation So Important?
Something shifts when people feel seen and heard. It’s like unlocking a door inside them, one that leads to openness, trust, and transformation.
Validation plays a massive role in attunement, which is the art of truly tuning in to someone—emotionally, energetically, and relationally.
When people feel attuned to, they feel less alone in their struggles. And when we don’t feel alone anymore, healing begins.
In deep relationships, validation is even more critical. Sometimes, we struggle because we don’t know how to validate both sides.
Here’s what’s true:
- I love you, I am sad with you, I am sorry for you.
- And I love them, I am sad with them, too, and I am so sorry for them, too.
Both perspectives can exist at the same time. Both experiences are valid. Think about a police investigation—if two people give the exact same story word-for-word, it’s rehearsed. Real emotions and experiences don’t perfectly match up, but that doesn’t mean either is false.
How to Create Attunement: The Validation Formula
Before someone can move forward or change, they first need to feel accepted where they are. This is the mistake so many people make—we rush to give advice, offer solutions, or tell someone to "just let it go," instead of acknowledging their experience.
💡 Validation is NOT: "It’s not that bad" or "Just move on."
💛 Validation IS: "That must have been so hard for you. Of course you feel that way!"
The best way to create attunement? REV them up!
R - Reflect
Mirror back their emotions without judgment.
“You get so angry that you just yell.”
E - Empathize
Show that you understand how they feel and that their emotions matter.
“You must be so upset with yourself to get to that point.”
“What is this like for YOU? I care about YOU.”
V - Validate
Reinforce that their feelings are real, understandable, and human.
“It makes so much sense that this happens to you.”
“Wow, if I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel the exact same way. Of COURSE you feel this way!”
Validation isn’t about fixing—it’s about staying present. When someone is drowning in emotion, they don’t need a lifeboat full of solutions; they just need to know that someone sees them.
Final Thoughts: True Power Comes from Validation
"Domination is an un-powerful person pretending to be powerful but acting from their wound of powerlessness."
True power doesn’t come from control. It comes from:
- Having a voice and being connected to yourself.
- The ability to make choices and honor yourself.
- Shifting from external validation to an internal sense of security.
When you validate yourself, you don’t need the world to tell you you’re okay. You already know.
